Do you worry about what others think of you? Most of us do. Ann-Margret Hovsepian reveals how she’s been able to move on from this struggle.
Elisa
A New Light
by Ann-Margret Hovsepian
“When’s the last time you took a vacation?” The quiet question came from Darlene, one of the pastor’s wives at our women’s fall retreat, moments after I’d broken down in tears during the closing sharing time. I can’t recall exactly what I said to the women, but they heard me and saw me. Instead of being horrified that one of the retreat leaders was a blubbering mess, they embraced me and gave me hope.
A month earlier, I’d had a devastating experience during a three-week mission trip to Armenia with my parents. Not in a good place spiritually, I couldn’t sleep. Then I got my period . . . for 15 days. On our last Sunday, we travelled three hours to a small Baptist church in Gyumri. It was hot, around 40C (104F) and my weak, sleepless body began to wobble. During a prayer, I slipped outside for some fresh air. Later, I came to my senses, crouched by the church door. I’d blacked out but somehow hadn’t fallen. When the group I was with later found me hunched over on the steps, a nurse from the congregation quickly attended to me, and I was able to get through the day and the rest of our mission trip.
At the retreat, I was still struggling and that continued for the next two months, until I took Darlene’s advice, flew south, and spent five solitary days on a Cuban beach with my journal, my Bible, a novel, and The Cure, a book about grace and identity. That’s when I finally let God get through to me.
Despite putting my faith in Jesus at age seven, much like the Israelites, I wandered in the desert for 40 years . . . walking with God but grumbling and resisting the whole way. In my teens, after my father became a pastor, I threw myself into serving the Lord. The opportunities to shine were everywhere, but that became a problem.
I worked really hard at being the perfect pastor’s daughter because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I never missed church. I dressed modestly. I obeyed my parents. I didn’t party or swear or smoke or drink or date. Obsessed with appearing responsible and serious, I lost myself. My life was replete with contradictions: I was a hopeless romantic who didn’t have a boyfriend until 34 (then still never married). I was self-employed at 24 but lived with my parents until age 45. I was too scared to drive until 47. Although I served in women’s ministry, I was critical of others and, especially when faced with overwhelming insecurity and temptation, quite alone.
The flame that once burned so bright in my soul as a child grew faint, but God is so good. He had lined up circumstances, conversations, books, sermons, and songs that, like sparklers on a birthday cake, illuminated my life. Sometimes though, those little sparks stung and made me flinch. Between my trips to Armenia and Cuba, I started to see my life in a new light. My laundry list of good deeds was nothing more than a pile of filthy rags ready for burning. I recognized how self-righteous I was—not that I thought I was better than others, but that I was trying to be righteous on my own.
My life changed when I confessed that I’d been striving for the approval of others (while not approving of them). God showed me that I can care about what people think without worrying about it. He reminded me that his is the only approval I should be seeking (Galatians 1:10). And others answer to him alone, not to me.
It took time for my spiritual malaise to heal but God faithfully gave me the grace and strength I needed. He renewed my mind and softened my heart—a transformation only he could accomplish!
Today, when I speak to the women at my church, when I write, when I develop friendships, I’m no longer trying to impress anyone. I’m also no longer trying to change them. Instead, my desire is to serve. God has given me a love for others I never knew was possible. I long to build people up and journey with them toward a saving, healing, liberating, and joyful relationship with Christ.
Ann-Margret Hovsepian is an author, illustrator, and lettering artist in Montreal, Quebec. Her latest book, Coloring the Names of God, features 52 devotions, each with an accompanying coloring page. She also has a Christmas coloring and craft book coming out this fall. Visit her at www.annhovsepian.com, where you can sign up for her free weekly e-newsletter, Whimsy & Wisdom.
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